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Dating when you’re biBy Bree Coven When you’re single, meeting potential dates is already nerve-wracking. But men and women who date both men and women also worry: When they learn I’m bi, will it mean bi-bye? “When someone is bisexual, they don't fit a category, and we live in a world where people feel threatened by things they can’t classify,” says Sage Vivant, editor of Best of Both Worlds: Bisexual Erotica. Unfortunately, bi-phobia is often socially tolerated in the gay and lesbian community, and coming out can lead to annoying assumptions. We learned the four key issues that bi men and women’s dates often have—and offer some calm ways to defuse the prejudices.
“Bisexuals don't exist—they’re straights or gays who are confused.” Since I’m bi and I’m writing this, this assumption is clearly false. Bisexuals do exist—whether you care to date them or not. Many bisexuals are equal-opportunity lovers who prioritize personality above plumbing. Explains my friend Manuella from Chapel Hill, North Carolina: “If I’m in a relationship, people assume I’ve chosen a ‘side,’ but that’s ridiculous. I'm bisexual the same way I'm bilingual. Just because I'm speaking to you in English doesn't mean that I no longer speak Spanish.” She explains to dates that she’s picky about lots of things when she’s looking for a partner, but “gender just doesn't happen to be one of them!” After all, identity politics are so ‘80s. The right response: When faced with the phrase “I don’t believe in bisexuality” from a would-be suitor, the best response is a simple “I don’t believe in wasting my time on a biphobic person like you.” Bi Dating Myth #2: “A bisexual will probably leave you for the opposite sex.” Ah, the universal fear—being left by your lover. Somehow this fear multiplies exponentially for gay and lesbian (or straight) folks when dating someone bi. This boils down to insecurity, plain and simple. I know lots of stable, happily monogamous couples where one partner is bi and the other is lesbian or gay, and everybody does just fine. If someone’s going to leave you, does it matter who they leave you for? “My ex-boyfriend was so freaked out that I would dump him for a woman that he harped on the subject 24/7,” says my friend Matt from New York City, New York. “I ended up leaving him, but for another guy—one who was confident enough to believe he could satisfy me.” The right response: The best way to calm a panicky mate? Say something like, “Look at it this way—yes, I’ve dated guys and girls, and out of everyone in the world, I choose to be with you! You win!” Hardly an ego blow, huh? Bi Dating Myth #3: “Bisexuals are promiscuous and carry STDs.” Oooh, there’s a good one, about how bisexuals will sleep with anyone. Now, come on—that’s like saying straight men are categorically attracted to all women or all straight women will sleep with any guy. (My friend Clyde from Meriden, Conneticut has a great shirt that says, “I’m bisexual and I’m not attracted to you.”) This kind of generalization actually creates reverse prejudices: One friend of mine refuses to date lesbians because she’s so tired of hearing them say, “Bi women bring disease into the community.” Monosexuality doesn’t guarantee fidelity—just listen to the tales of your gay, lesbian, and straight friends’ Saturday nights! The truth is, it’s possible to be both a raging bisexual and a total prude. Which leads us to the main point: Bisexuals don’t carry STDs, people carry STDs. Any unprotected sex is high-risk behavior, whether you’re straight, gay, or bi. The right response: Take a cue from my friend Sara from Boston, whose lesbian date expressed shock at the sudden introduction of latex. “Is there something I should know?” the date demanded. Sara simply tossed her curls and replied, “Yeah. There’s this thing called AIDS and you can catch it through unprotected sex.” Bi Dating Myth #4: “Bisexuals are hot.” Finally, a truism! Bisexuals are hot, if only because we tend to be a little more open-minded than the average Joe or Josephine. Of course, it’s not cool to fetishize bisexuality, and bisexuals, particularly women, know that it happens. Alissa from Boca Raton rolls her eyes at one all-too-common occurrence. “I’ll be out to dinner with a seemingly cool guy when I mention my ex-girlfriend. Suddenly it’s all, ‘Oooh, can you bring her home with us?’ Then the date is so over.” Instead of letting it get you down, remind yourself why we’re really great: By necessity of examining who we are and what we really want, bisexuals have had to stand up to prejudice. We’ve had to come out over and over again and fight to be visible, because no matter whose hand we hold in public, people always assume we’re one or the other. And who we are is a little more complicated and multi-layered than that. The right response: “If you think I’m hot because of my orientation, just wait until you get to know me as a person!” So what’s a bisexual to do? One plan can be to find another nice bi girl or guy to date, since sometimes only those that have been there and done both get it. Social, support, and activist bi groups at your local LGBT community center can be a good place to start. But you can also accept that people may have misconceptions; be patient as you gently correct them, and keep searching for someone as open-minded as you are. My hetero husband-to-be totally gets me, and we’re happily living out our own unofficial reality show, “Queer I and the Straight Guy.” Gender, schmender—isn’t loving whomever you want, proudly and joyously, the whole point of being queer? Bree Coven was a regular columnist for the nation’s best-selling lesbian magazine, Curve, for three years. Her work has also appeared in New York magazine, Seattle magazine, Seattle Weekly, and 18 anthologies, including Best of Both Worlds. 
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